This knowing that gratitude feels like smiling from the inside out is new to me.
There’s a fullness in it that overflows like a wave spilling out of the heart center. I am, for the first time ever, thankFULL.
It came in bits and pieces, little spurts of growth that led from a space that felt empty and lonely into one that ultimately blossomed into a sense of more-than-enough-ness.
The last little bit was heart wrenching. I’ve learned that before one can feel full, one must feel complete. Completion comes from empowerment and the genuine and true knowledge that I am able. I am able: to carry my own weight, to earn my own living, to support my son, to love unabashedly with no fear that rejection will deter me from the essence of who I am. I had to learn that I AM truly and unapologetically worthy of my life and opportunity and myself, and I had to move through some serious shifts to be able to fully integrate this knowingness on a deep level.
And I did it – I moved through all the pain and I came out taller and stronger on the other side. The off-shoot is that it’s been hard to write lately. A lot of what I process through my fingers is pain, current and past, and quite honestly, I’m just not feeling any of that right now. That’s not to say it won’t happen – the life I choose to live is a constant flow of growth, challenge, release, and expansion along with the back and forth exclamations of “oh fuck!” and “thank goddess!” smattering the air around me.