This knowing that gratitude feels like smiling from the inside out is new to me.
There’s a fullness in it that overflows like a wave spilling out of the heart center. I am, for the first time ever, thankFULL.
It came in bits and pieces, little spurts of growth that led from a space that felt empty and lonely into one that ultimately blossomed into a sense of more-than-enough-ness.
The last little bit was heart wrenching. I’ve learned that before one can feel full, one must feel complete. Completion comes from empowerment and the genuine and true knowledge that I am able. I am able: to carry my own weight, to earn my own living, to support my son, to love unabashedly with no fear that rejection will deter me from the essence of who I am. I had to learn that I AM truly and unapologetically worthy of my life and opportunity and myself, and I had to move through some serious shifts to be able to fully integrate this knowingness on a deep level.
And I did it – I moved through all the pain and I came out taller and stronger on the other side. The off-shoot is that it’s been hard to write lately. A lot of what I process through my fingers is pain, current and past, and quite honestly, I’m just not feeling any of that right now. That’s not to say it won’t happen – the life I choose to live is a constant flow of growth, challenge, release, and expansion along with the back and forth exclamations of “oh fuck!” and “thank goddess!” smattering the air around me.
I still haven’t fully shifted into this new space. I deeply desire to adapt to this sense of fulfillment that warms me from the inside out. I yearn to embrace this version of me that actually grasps the meaning of the word abundance in a sentient manner and not just as a definition from Merriam-Webster. I am learning that to do so requires that I allow for the words to overflow from my space of enough-ness rather than using them as a means of attempting to fill a void within me.
As I’ve become more centered and grounded in me, I’m also noticing a shift in how I process information. My fears and insecurities haven’t disappeared completely (fingers crossed – yet!), but they have quieted down considerably and as there is more space around them, I tend to notice them when they arise. The really great piece of this puzzle is that they don’t scare me anymore. I can sit with the fears – and the emotions around the fears – now in a way that allows for me to get curious with them. I can be patient with them and feel them and honor them for showing me something that would like to be acknowledged. And so even though there may be tears of sorrow, pain or release, there is a nice mix of gratitude shuffled in there. I don’t feel depleted by my emotions anymore because I am still full. And I don’t have to run or sabotage or strike out at anyone because I am still full. It’s actually remarkable. My emotions don’t govern me and the pain passes relatively quickly. I have a new found tendency to actually just deal with stuff as it pops up (more or less). Then it passes and I feel even a little more sated. I may still be tiptoeing around this new habitat that I’ve created, but I’m warming to it. I’m opening to new possibility because of it, and I’m in a place of being able to cheer myself on. Life is good.