I’ve never been much for resolutions although I do adore intentions. Because of this, when a friend of mine suggested choosing a word that I wished to explore in the upcoming year, I jumped at the opportunity. And it seemed to be just that: a big, fat, juicy opportunity. My word immediately bounced into my consciousness: Expansion.

I loved the way it slid off of my tongue and the charge that my energy body got from it. Honestly, it felt delicious…I savored the chance to roll it around in my mouth, to talk and share about it, and to begin the initial stages of exploration of it. At the time a lot of very rapid growth was unfolding for me and I felt a little high, to be honest, and “expansion” felt like taking another hit off of a joint.

I enjoyed taking my word to bed with me every night and waking up with it every morning for about two weeks, until the actual New Year rolled around. And now here we are, seven days into 2015, and I am noticing that the fear has crept in and settled around the fringes of my word. I feel disorganized and confused, hazy, apprehensive, and pensive. It’s like a withdrawal, only I am the only one that can provide myself with the next hit and I just feel like a hamster spinning a wheel.

I have a list of things to do that seem expansive to me: organize finances, restructure my time, write every day (oh to finally get this one right!), and keep up my meditation practice (to name a few). All of a sudden, my beautiful word has turned into a big, scary resolution, and I feel like I’m floundering.

What I’m noticing is that I’m running five miles ahead of where I actually am. My mind is in the “what-ifs” of the future and already judging me for not doing what I may or may not be doing a week, month, or year from now. Already, I’m allowing myself to assume that I’m not going to follow through or be able to live up to my idea of expansion.

A balloon doesn’t go from empty to inflated in one breath. It takes time and perseverance and slow and steady breathing. If I go too fast, I run the risk of exploding or running out of air. It’s in this moment that I need to step back, settle into my body, and ask myself what the hell is going on.

I’m restless to be where I want to end up. I actually see – and believe in – a whole lot of possibility for me, which is something completely new to me. And now that I see it I want to leap to it. I have to remember to get back to where I am, which is right here at the computer with a choice: Do I open a Word document and put my fingers on the keyboard and write, or do I open the Facebook tab and take a look at what is going on around me rather than within me?

Right now, I choose to write. I am taking this road because I want to feel like I accomplished something important to me today. I’m not even going to look at the message that just popped up on my screen. I may not feel that way later today, and certainly I can make time to view the world around me. Expansion can be aided by the external, but I do realize that my personal growth, my intention, my drive is accelerated by the burgeoning strength within me. I want to continue to fuel the flame that was recently stoked, despite the fact that growth has historically scared me. I want to be present to the little victories as well – by noticing that I was courageously honest with someone I am beginning to care deeply about, and the fact that I’m enrolled in a teleclass that is helping me open to the vast possibility of me. I’m excited about the woman I’m becoming and in order to remain charged it’s important to meet myself right where I am, which is right here at the table, with my fingers clicking on the keyboard, grateful to be honoring what I feel to be my higher purpose.