I’ve been writing a lot on communication lately, mostly because it is what is up for me in a big, big way. I’ve been working on my ability to share and trust and be vulnerable with others for years. Expressing myself through speech challenges me in so many ways that I always feel like I’m chasing after a different tail.
What I’m realizing though is that being vulnerable in this way is one of the things that I desire most in the world. I set intentions around it, I write about it, I talk to the few people that know me the most about it. I ask Spirit daily to show me how I can express myself more authentically through spoken word and how I can be even more genuine and true on a deep level in my communications with others.
And then, dammit, so much to my chagrin, Spirit answers my prayers, and it can be so, so hard.
My comfort zone is continuously being stretched. I had a huge breakthrough just a week ago, and then the zone was stretched again. Immediately! Just like that. I spoke up, I spoke out, I shared; I did it and then I still had to do more.
The truth is that I am doing it, and sometimes it is just plain difficult. It’s got me tongue-tied and twisted up and it’s interfering with my writing. I wrote a piece to share and realized that what I wrote was actually me avoiding sharing. It felt empty and hollow, like I was speaking from the inside of a shell and all the sounds were just bouncing around.
The only way out is through. This is almost always the truth with emotional release and pattern work. We can heal and we can face our demons and fears, but we can only face them by looking them square in the eyes.
This requires that I look at myself square in the eyes, and that can be hard. But I notice that I’m getting better and better at spotting my BS. The truth of the matter is that at some point a few years ago I got tired of myself and of all of my excuses and justifications for why I couldn’t do what I wanted to do. And I called uncle. I (mostly) surrendered and I committed to really moving through my fears.
The fear around being able to share my authentic self through spoken words is the most difficult. I actually might jump out of an airplane before I told you what is really going on in a conversation if I thought that I might lose or hurt you. I can talk all day through my fingers, but out loud…that is an entirely different story.
I know that I make the choice every day about how I express myself. And so despite the fear that is rushing down on me right now, I am searching for any words, regardless of how clumsy they might be, to say what I’m really feeling. I am just moving sound through me so that I can build that muscle, and allowing myself the space to work through this in my time. I have to remember that I asked for this, and I have to trust that my growth process is continuous and ever-expansive because I have chosen for it to be so. In the end, I am grateful that the words are coming to me and working their way through me, regardless of how clumsy they are. Pattern shifting is seldom easy when the patterns are so ingrained, but I’m up for it. Life is better every day that I take a step through a fear, even when it renders me with glassy eyes and wet cheeks. I have learned that the freedom and joy that I experience on the other side of it are always worth the work to get there.