Monthly Archives: July 2015

Fierce Love

So far today I’ve done all the things I can in order to not do this one thing that I need to do, which is sit down and write something really honest about what’s going on so that I can share it here.

I’ve been asking to open my heart more, to connect more fully with Spirit, and to allow that love to pour through me more fully (I wrote another post on this topic not too long ago). I’ve been asking to be more of a vessel and channel for this love so that I can be more of service to myself and others. It has become a deep desire to feel myself fully and to allow others to do the same when they are with me.

And it’s been so so beautiful and so so hard.

The most difficult part for me has been in the relationships closest to me. As I opened more, I felt myself pull away from those that not only love me the most, but that demand the most of me. In anticipating the next steps – the full, fierce honesty of deep intimacy – I began to push and pull. I began to notice the things that divided rather than the things that unite. I focused on what would keep me from having to 100% show up.

My heart feels like it’s going to explode even writing this, and I’m not sure if it’s with fear or joy or both. But I asked to have it crack wide open with love and now that it’s happening I feel my frailty, my vulnerability, my fears. I hear the past whispering in my ear, “This will hurt you too. Remember what happened before…”

I was seduced by it for a moment. I allowed it to sway my actions, to shut me down. And I felt myself pull, protect, withdraw.

Honest, truly intimate, this-is-who-I-really-am love isn’t always easy. In fact, sometimes it’s fucking hard. But surface love never fully satisfied me. I always wanted more, but I was scared to truly put my heart on my sleeve and go after it.

So now as I fall deeper into my heart and as I allow it to open wider and wider, I have a choice to make: Do I pick and choose convenient love or do I love fiercely, fully, and completely?

I choose the latter today, despite the fact that tears are forming in my eyes at the thought of it. And because I do, I did ask for help, for more intimacy, for a deeper connection. Instead of running away from, I ran toward it. It scares the hell out of me, but I’m doing it anyway. I must. In honoring this love, this opening, I honor myself and my soul and each and every one of you.

Healing Systemic Candida Helped Set Me Free

I spent a lot of my life feeling afraid and disempowered. I’ve written a lot about it, and I’ve always focused on the emotional aspect of it along with the trauma trigger that precipitated it. That is the because the primary focus of my healing work with myself and with others is to find the underlying limiting belief and/or pattern that is creating the undesired outcome (whether emotional, mental, spiritual, or physical) and then focus on how to shift the patterns and behaviors so that we may find a way to present ourselves in the world that feels more in alignment with who we truly are. Determining who we really are is often a part of the journey as well.

For me, one of the physical manifestations of disempowerment that I experienced was a serious candida overgrowth. As a result of it, I spent years in a foggy, confused, depressed and anxious haze. Towards the end of it, my system began to reject foods and I was experiencing extreme discomfort in the form of constant bloat, acne, and achiness. As an intuitive, I suspected that the cause of a lot of my physical symptoms stemmed from being raped and the subsequent years of alcohol and drug abuse mixed up with fear and feelings of victimization, but I didn’t fully understand the complexity of what was happening to my body.

The more it lingered, the worse I got. I often refer to those years in my mind as “the dark years.” When I look back on them, it’s like there is a veil of sticky, dark energy hanging over my entire being and I felt trapped and victimized by my circumstances.

I did a lot of self-healing and I also worked with other healers to start pulling back the layers of self-hatred and fear. As I started to gain more clarity, and I began to feel a little stronger in my sense of self, I got to a point of actually believing that I deserved to feel better. This was a huge turning point for me! A part of me had truly believed that it was just my lot in life to be tired, depressed, and disempowered.

I did a lot of research and came across information on candida, and I knew immediately that I was suffering from an overgrowth. I didn’t even hesitate to start the diet, despite the fact that I was going to have to make drastic changes in the way that I was eating and living.

I experienced immediate relief from my symptoms and I thought that I was “cured.” I went back to my regular life, and things moved along smoothly for a while. I was feeling pretty good. My ex-husband and I had separated and I was optimistic about my future. I felt like I had moved into brighter and better days.

I moved back to the States from Costa Rica and I soon stepped into old patterns of behavior that included drinking and disempowered and co-dependent relationships. I was dropping into depression again and I was at a complete loss with respect to how to manage it. I quit drinking; I changed my diet. I tried supplements. Nothing was working. In a moment of desperation, I stumbled upon a Nutritional Response Therapist and I went to him for testing. My system was crashed and my diet included foods I was sensitive to. Underneath it all: candida.

Again I treated it and coincidentally (or not so coincidentally), I began to shift the dynamics of my personal relationships and my life. My candida cleared again.

It wasn’t until I facilitated a remote healing session with Elicia Miller that I understood fully what had happened, though. I was engaged in my healing process throughout my experience with candida, so even though I didn’t catch the direct connection to it, I was doing the right things to eradicate it. I was stepping through my fears and eliminating toxic relationships. I was making strides to leave a profession that felt stifling to me and moving into full-time healing work. I was learning to take care of my emotional needs.

What Spirit shared with us during that session was the emotional/psychological component that allows candida to flourish within our system. I was able to understand why my candida had returned and what work I need to do to keep my system in balance. I still have a few food sensitivities, but I can consume fruits and chocolate and grains and tea. I can indulge in a dessert and not worry that my symptoms will reappear. It’s been completely liberating.

When Elicia expressed interest in hosting a retreat to help others work through the core issues of their candida overgrowth, I knew I wanted to be a part of it. Her tagline is: Your symptoms are a gift. Through all the work I’ve done with clients that are experiencing some sort of physical imbalance or dis-ease, I’ve learned that our symptoms are the doorway to growth. We get the opportunity to know ourselves better, to clear patterns and express ourselves in a new way. If we treat the symptoms but ignore the root cause, the inner expression of imbalance will, without a doubt, find another way to express itself, either through a relapse into the same illness or through another. Ultimately, treating the symptoms but not the core issue is another way of numbing what really just wants to be known.

“After 1.5 years on the strict candida diet and another 1.5 years of deeper healing, I felt healed from candida. I then got into an old relationship pattern with a man and my wounds were triggered. My bloat came back with a vengeance and I got a yeast infection. That’s when I reached out to Janet for an intuitive energy healing to see if my Candida symptoms were emotional and what I needed to do. Janet saw my inner child sitting cross-legged, knocking to let her out, to let all of the repressed anger, sadness and even joy that was still repressed out. I did my inner child work and emotional releasing, and I took care of my emotional needs by ending the relationship. That was three years ago and I haven’t had any candida symptoms, cravings, or emotional eating since. I can eat what I want, I married my soul mate, and I live fully empowered from my heart’s desires. Through Janet’s work I discovered the root cause of Candida and have created a course, programs, and retreats to address healing all aspects of candida to be truly free.” –Elicia Miller



Our Bodies, Our Selves – Cultivating a Deep Love Within

I’ve been preparing for a teleseminar that I’m going to be teaching with a dear friend of mine, Natha Perkins, a wonderful life coach that also works to help women feel more empowered. One of the focuses of our class, called The Art of Loving Yourself, is how to learn to connect with our bodies and genuinely appreciate them.

Women (and men too, though not normally to the same extent) have been taught since we were young to devalue our bodies. We watched the women in our lives criticize themselves, picking apart their flaws and everything that they could find wrong with their bodies. I very rarely heard a woman say, “I love my eyes/legs/hair/anything!” It usually sounded more like this: “I need to lose weight/I’m fat/I hate my arms/I have the biggest nose/My breasts are too small (or too big)” and on and on and on.

Amongst girls and women, compliments are deflected and downplayed. A greeting of “You look beautiful today” is often met with, “Oh, thanks. I feel so fat and I couldn’t find anything to wear.” We band together in bemoaning the state of our bodies and spend more time sharing how we would like to make them better rather than celebrating them as they are.

I spent years hating my reflection. From the time that I started thinking about my appearance I know that I was more focused on finding its flaws than I was celebrating its symmetry, function, or usefulness. And then in my adult years, my skin broke out really badly a few times due to hormonal imbalances and what I know now to be a candida overgrowth. I could barely look at myself in the mirror and I would try to wash my face without even glancing at it. I brushed my teeth in the other room. When I did see myself looking back at me, I felt shame and self-hatred. I didn’t wear make-up because applying it required that I look in the mirror and really see my face. I hated to have pictures taken of me. I was already a depressed person and every time my skin broke out, I found myself just wanting to disappear.

It took years to get through the healing of this core issue: I felt betrayed by my body. What I was missing, and what I uncovered through my healing work, was the fact that I felt betrayed in my life. This was a physical manifestation that had arisen as a direct result of being raped. I had been betrayed by others and I felt like my body – my very person – had betrayed me that night as well. I blamed myself and I didn’t want anyone else to see me. Not only did I not feel attractive; I didn’t want to feel pretty. I wanted to not be noticed and to just disappear.

And as women, we are taught to feel betrayed by our bodies. This was a very natural place for me to go. Unless they are picture (read: Vogue) perfect, we are led to believe that we are less than. We are shown that it’s right and good to want to make alterations to our bodies to become more attractive to men. (I’m not criticizing anyone’s decision to do so; if it truly helps you to love and accept yourself then I’m all for it. I would ask you though to look at the emotions underneath the desire and to work through any emotional issues that might be present so that altering the body doesn’t become an endless loop of trying to find validation from without.) Truthfully, there are too many layers to this story for a 1,000 word blog post. My desire here is simpler, and I will return to it at the end of this post, since most of us are consciously aware of how we’re being manipulated into thinking that we need to look a certain way in order to find love and happiness.

I had already healed the physical effects of candida and I had done a lot of work with the underlying emotional causes, which helped to keep my from more flare-ups. As I continued to heal, and I really started to step back into my body and my power, I became aware of how withholding love and acceptance from myself was creating an attitude of self-deprecation that was manifesting as a physical symptom. All of those negative thoughts in the mirror were bouncing right back into my energy body and embedding them in my very cells. Our bodies hear and they respond to our thoughts. I knew that something had to change.

Working with Natha was an important piece of my healing puzzle. She helped me to get honest yet playful with myself. She supported me in taking little steps towards enhanced self-care that felt good to me. While working with her, I started to have fun with the mirror. I started to smile and even wink at myself. I laughed and played with make-up. I reinforced the work with her with energy work and journaling. I not only stopped criticizing myself, but I started actually complimenting myself. I got dry erase markers and started writing love notes on the mirror (my son thinks I’m a nut but he benefits from them too). I still notice when I have puffy eyes or a pimple, but they don’t define me anymore; it’s just a flag that I need more sleep or that I should drink more water.

To return to my above intention, I’m wondering what it would be like if we could all start by taking the self-criticism off the table. What if we could start by agreeing with our friends to accept all compliments with a “thank you” and a smile? What if we could allow ourselves to feel, for just a second, the love that was shared with us by the person that gave us the compliment? How much could shift just through this awareness and practice? I’d love for you to try this and to share your results with me!

For more information on the class I’m teaching with Natha, click here.

If you’ve experienced candida and are interested in finally uncovering the root emotional issues that are keeping you from enjoying total wellness, join me and Elicia Miller for a one week retreat in beautiful Santa Teresa, Costa Rica.

Resting In the Balance of Love

This week’s reflection was slow to come to the surface. It’s been percolating just below it since Tuesday, when I was given some insight during a meditation into the ways in which I  hold back from love. And then, as often is the case, the messages began to pop up all around, little placards on my board of life showing me how to continue to open just a little more to love’s complete embrace.

It has always been much easier for me to give love than to receive it, and I’ve been noticing lately where I’ve been holding back. It may be through a hug or a touch or through a subtle pulling away (even if just for a moment) when someone wants to get close. Regardless of how it presents itself, it’s me tensing to the love that another wishes to share with me.

I started to follow this thread for myself (I’m a big advocate of playing detective with ourselves) to see what could unfold for me. I saw a few patterns pop up and realized that I don’t want to be limited by those outdated reactions that may have had an important role to play in the past but that no longer serve me.

As I was deep in the process of mulling through all this,  Meggan Watterson (for more of her goodness, click here) posted this lovely quote:


And I started to think…Why does a “broken heart” have to be a bad thing? Isn’t a broken heart one that has actually been cracked wide open? What if I could nurture my heart that is showing me where I’ve felt pain in the past back into feeling the love that preceded the pain? What if I could fully understand that just because I’ve had painful experiences doesn’t mean that I should miss out on the opportunity to know love in a new and more expansive way?

I have a tendency to give until I’m depleted, something that I’ve been working on for years now. I’ve made a lot of progress through awareness and good energy hygiene. But could I allow myself to be fully nourished by the love of others as well? What if I could open myself up like a flower to the sun and just allow myself to soak it in? This love that I’m taking in could help to recharge me and revitalize me. It could lift me up, which is one of the things that love most likes to do and one of the reasons that I adore sharing my love with others! This is not taking at the expense of another; when the emotion is pure and two-sided (or more-sided) there is no imbalance. Instead, it serves to elevate and elate.

In my musings, I realized that this is precisely where the thin line between detachment and pulling back becomes apparent: When I pull back, even a tiny bit, I deny myself and the other person desirous of sharing love with me of a full and complete experience of the beautiful intensity of unbounded and unchecked love. If I can give myself fully to the experience and yet remain detached from any expectations of what that person’s actions may or may not be in the future or what that love should look like, then I can find a space of enjoying the affection without fearing its removal. The truth of the matter is that if someone else chooses to withdraw love, however that is expressed – whether with integrity or not – it is no reflection of who I am. I am still me, standing here and strong, just like I have been for 45 years now.

I believe with all of my being that we came here to experience love embodied, both divine and physical in nature and everything in between. I want to connect through the heart space at every turn imaginable and ask, truly, “What would love do?”

I love that the ancient Greeks identified many words for love. The love I feel for the woman at the bank (agape) will not be the same as the love that I feel for my partner (eros) or that which I feel for my son (storge). With a deeper understanding of what love is and a desire to fall more into it and then stay there, I can explore the many facets of it and feel enriched by them rather than threatened. With this in mind, perhaps the most important form of love then is philautia, the love of self, for when that is intact then truly all of the rest falls into place.

So perhaps then I can come back to: Where am I withholding love from myself? Not receiving love from another is to withhold it from myself. Love wouldn’t hold back love because it is scared of love. Love embraces love and trusts that we can take care of ourselves and that we can trust and know ourselves in the process. Love would have us remember that through love, all is love, and that just by mere virtue of being here, as individual embodiments of the Divine, we are all worthy of love in all of its expressions.

Really doing love, making it a true action verb, means to fully engage on both sides of the giving and receiving scale. I’ll leave you then with one of my most favorite quotes ever from Jen Pastiloff: “When I get to the end of my life, and I ask one final, ‘What have I done?’, let the answer be: I have done love.”