So far today I’ve done all the things I can in order to not do this one thing that I need to do, which is sit down and write something really honest about what’s going on so that I can share it here.
I’ve been asking to open my heart more, to connect more fully with Spirit, and to allow that love to pour through me more fully (I wrote another post on this topic not too long ago). I’ve been asking to be more of a vessel and channel for this love so that I can be more of service to myself and others. It has become a deep desire to feel myself fully and to allow others to do the same when they are with me.
And it’s been so so beautiful and so so hard.
The most difficult part for me has been in the relationships closest to me. As I opened more, I felt myself pull away from those that not only love me the most, but that demand the most of me. In anticipating the next steps – the full, fierce honesty of deep intimacy – I began to push and pull. I began to notice the things that divided rather than the things that unite. I focused on what would keep me from having to 100% show up.
My heart feels like it’s going to explode even writing this, and I’m not sure if it’s with fear or joy or both. But I asked to have it crack wide open with love and now that it’s happening I feel my frailty, my vulnerability, my fears. I hear the past whispering in my ear, “This will hurt you too. Remember what happened before…”
I was seduced by it for a moment. I allowed it to sway my actions, to shut me down. And I felt myself pull, protect, withdraw.
Honest, truly intimate, this-is-who-I-really-am love isn’t always easy. In fact, sometimes it’s fucking hard. But surface love never fully satisfied me. I always wanted more, but I was scared to truly put my heart on my sleeve and go after it.
So now as I fall deeper into my heart and as I allow it to open wider and wider, I have a choice to make: Do I pick and choose convenient love or do I love fiercely, fully, and completely?
I choose the latter today, despite the fact that tears are forming in my eyes at the thought of it. And because I do, I did ask for help, for more intimacy, for a deeper connection. Instead of running away from, I ran toward it. It scares the hell out of me, but I’m doing it anyway. I must. In honoring this love, this opening, I honor myself and my soul and each and every one of you.