I was pondering what I would write when I came across this little gem by Meggan Watterson:
It resonated strongly with me, as does so much of her insight and wisdom, but I had the thought that I’d spent a lot of time on the topic lately and maybe I should broach another this week. And then in a session with one of my clients, I heard this affirmation: “I am worthy of fierce and passionate self-love.”
Ok, Spirit, I guess fierce self-love it is.
And so this has nudged me to look at where I’m still withholding love from myself.
I have gotten to this space of feeling really uncomfortable when I find myself feeling envious of others. It happens much less than it used to, but it still shows up at times, almost like a knee-jerk reaction. It feels old and stale and yet it’s there. To exacerbate matters, I dislike the feeling so much that I tend to judge myself for feeling it. This is not a great cycle to get caught up in.
Envy used to be a near constant companion. I always noticed who had what and how they looked and what they were buying. Competition was a way of life and it seemed that after college I was always on the losing team. I had a hard time sincerely celebrating the victories of my friends because I felt so marginalized and depleted. I felt highly victimized by my circumstances and so I remained for years in a state of powerlessness that reinforced the experience over and over again.
The major shift began to occur as a few things fell into place. One was that I began doing the work to find my way to truly and sincerely loving myself. Once I began to experience my own value, I began to see that reflected back to me in my life. This showed up in many different ways – sobriety, jobs that felt better, nicer living spaces, relationships that were uplifting, and now in an amazing healing practice that I adore. Little by little, I began to dig myself out of the hole of self-hatred.
And now I’ve arrived in a space of enough openness that I notice these little bites of envy very clearly when they pop up and they feel really dissonant and heavy to me. I can sense the density and constriction of them and I don’t like it.
So I’m tuning in and I’m asking: What do I need to be giving myself more of so that I can feel even more connected to others? And I find that the more I clear myself of the limiting beliefs and patterns of “not enough-ness”, the more I can feel complete connection and love to and for myself and others.
My life is really great now in a very deep and meaningful way. I have more prosperity in all areas and the constantly degrading worry of how I was going to pay my bills and make it through the month is a thing of the past. I have a richness in all areas of my life that I didn’t even know possible. And so when envy’s destructive little head rears itself, I’m the first to admit that it’s not something that I want tarnishing my day.
It’s my responsibility to keep on. Every time I feel it, I have to ask myself: What is really going on here? Where am I not serving myself? What is it within me that is asking to be healed? What aspect of me is looking to be loved?
If I can stay present and curious, I can find that love within me that is fierce and protective and that wants more than anything to thrive from an authentic expression of who I truly am. My higher self knows this and she wants me to kick-ass, so she likes to point out areas in which I need to grow and stretch and challenge myself. And these days, I’m grateful for it.