Monthly Archives: September 2015

Endless Love

I used to subscribe to the belief that there was a finite amount of everything and that I had to compete with others to get what I wanted. Oftentimes, for me, after years fraught with competitive misery and injury, that meant just dropping out of the race. If I didn’t think that I had a chance at winning, I just wouldn’t play. And so I started to take a back seat in my own life after years of trying to force my way to the front.

These two elements – strive to win or drop out of sight – were my modus operandi and they showed up in all areas of my life. I strove to get straight A’s because I had to be in school but after receiving a Master’s Degree (in a field that I enjoyed but didn’t really want to work in), I ducked out of sight so that I wouldn’t have to compete for a job or step out of my comfort zone into a situation in which I might potentially fail.

It showed up during my years of waiting tables – I had to have the most tables in order to make the most money, and while I never stole tables from my co-workers, I would stay late and push myself harder in order to come out ahead.

It appeared in my relationships in that I was always afraid that there was “x” amount of love and that if I made a mistake or said the wrong thing, I would chip away at what was there until I would eventually lose all of the love that there was.

It affected my beliefs around money because I worried that there was only a certain amount available to me and if I spent what I had then there wouldn’t be any left.

There was never enough because I never believed that I was enough. I didn’t believe in me and so I didn’t trust that I could be cared for, nurtured and loved by others and especially by Spirit (I spent most of my life fearing that everyone else would be taken care of but not me). I never felt deserving or worthy of love.

I remember when the shift began and for the first time I understood that this is a Universe (multi-verse) of infinite potential. I was doing tons of work at the time – my life was dedicated to my healing process as if it were life or death. And it was, not because I was suicidal, but because I couldn’t fathom another 40 or 50 years of numbness and emotional pain.

And so I found myself in my first somewhat normal relationship ever in that it didn’t involve the use of alcohol or drugs. What I didn’t realize was that he too believed that there was a finite amount of love available in the world and he worried constantly that he wasn’t getting enough. He was jealous of lovers past, worried that if I still felt anything for them, it meant I felt less for him. He was jealous of my son, believing that if I had to give 70% of the 100% of love available to my son, it wouldn’t leave enough for him.

I remember that exact conversation in which I fully got it, in which I understood so deeply that love is as expansive and open and infinite in potential as we allow it to be. I never felt like I had to manage my love output. I had an open source of love with my son, with him, with my family and friends. I could give everyone as much love as I wanted to! And if I could give everyone as much love as I wanted to, well, shit. Then I could receive as much love from everyone as I could.

From this shift in understanding, I was able to understand that the field is infinite in ALL potential. It was a slow-ish process at first. I got that there was enough for everyone intellectually but it was still hard to process within the realm of a world that continues to argue and fight wars over resources.

Because I had believed that there were a finite amount of opportunities and clients, I kept working in restaurants – the seemingly safe choice. There’s no shame in that work, but in my heart, I knew that I was still there only because I wasn’t connecting to my soul work. I had to get to that place of truly understanding that everything is ever-expanding and that the field of potential continues to grow in direct proportion to the amount of people that plug into it. Every client that Sue gets translates to more people stepping into the field. And now that I have done the work of knowing and trusting that I am more than enough and divinely supported, my people will find me (if I’m not hiding) just as Sue’s people will find her.

I also had to know deep down that I deserved to be happy and to have the job of my dreams and that I would be supported in it. This came from a sense of trust that most of the time I don’t know how things are going to happen or how they are going to work out. I keep my nose out of my own narrow-minded expectations these days and trust that I will be shown which steps to take. When I am successful with this, miracles happen. Magic unfolds. Life becomes easier and more fun.

The results: My business has grown, my opportunities have increased, I’ve connected with so many more people and I’ve experienced so much more simply because I took the lid off of my life. Today – and every day – I feel blessed. Even when things get hard, I feel blessed. And the truly magical piece of all this? The more I believe it and align with it, the more things open up for me, and as a result, for all those I support and love (and ever outwards in the field of infinite potential).

Life Beyond the Comfort Zone

Neale Donald Walsch said that life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Personally, I have experienced a lot of truth in this over the years, though I’ve come to realize something really important within the statement. Life hums along regardless of whether or not we’re pushing to stretch ourselves. I believe that what he really meant was more fantastical than that. The life we came here to lead – one that is ever expansive and magical – is what occurs when we edge ourselves beyond our comfort zone.

Right now I’m on a flight to Costa Rica with my friend and colleague, candida expert Elicia Miller. As we were taking off, I got a bit teary. I experienced this moment of reflection in which I saw myself a mere five years ago, struggling to get by in a job that was unfulfilling, scared of the future and knowing deep, deep down that there had to be more. More what…I wasn’t quite certain, but I knew that I didn’t come here to be frightened of life’s offerings or stuck in a situation that seemed overbearing and stagnant at the same time.

Progress was slow for me at that time because I was still unwilling to really test my boundaries; I felt safe hugging the borderline of my existence, which was riddled with perceived limitations.

Slow motion forward to two years later: I stumbled into a Jennifer Pastiloff workshop through my yoga studio and it was like the rug was pulled out from under me, only instead of falling, I performed a flip and landed in a whole new layer of existence. Years of digging deep and doing lots of healing work that had yet to coalesce all crumbled in an instant. I experienced a white light moment in which I finally understand on a deep-down, cellular level that if I wanted things to change, I was going to have to really do things differently.

I started that day. I vowed to do one thing a day that scared me, whether that was opening a piece of mail, making a phone call I was avoiding, trying something new for dinner, or enrolling in a new program of study. Every day I pushed the limits of what I thought was possible for me. I challenged myself to act in alignment with what I truly wanted for myself.

It was scary and there were times that I kicked and screamed my way through it. I cried a lot. I processed a lot. But I also laughed a lot – deep belly laughs that rocked my soul from the inside out. It was hard and it was precious. It still is.

And now here I am, almost three years later to the date. I am successful in my healing practice and I work with clients and colleagues who are so amazing that it blows my mind on a daily basis. I get to share love, Spirit, healing, and joy with others and I feel more connected than ever. Every day is more expansive and full than the one before it. I and my life are not without challenges, but they don’t stop me anymore. In fact, they push me to uncover and explore the woman I came here to be.

I’m flying high over Central America right now. I’m leading my first retreat and I couldn’t be more excited about the direction my life is heading. Almost every step through this Break Free from Candida retreat planning process pushed me to overcome apprehensions and fears and I did it. I felt the fear and I did it anyway.

As I look forward in my life these days, I see magic and mystery, and I feel a great, insatiable curiosity.


Surrender and Release

This week I had a major epiphany related to some emotions that I’ve been repressing for many, many years. I set an intention that I really wanted to dig deeply into the emotional components of some pain that I’ve been experiencing and woah: Be careful what you wish for! Within days of setting the intention, things really began to move and shake.

We hold our unexpressed emotions in our bodies and so when we repress them over time, they can eventually manifest as illness or chronic pain. We can release the patterns, but if we don’t take care of the underlying emotional cause of the discomfort, the pattern will return or it will show up in a different way. Emotions are our ultimate truth-tellers and at the simplest level what they really want is to be acknowledged and heard.

Sometimes this can take years of unraveling. For some time now, I have been aware that I hold anger in my wrists and hands, and I’ve done a lot of work to release it (it has manifested as carpal tunnel syndrome). I’ve journaled, screamed, punched pillows, cried and done tons of energy work. I’ve uncovered some of the patterns and changed the way that I use my hands and wrists, honoring them by no longer engaging in the physical actions that compound the pain. And while they have improved dramatically, there are still a few layers of constriction and resistance in them that are calling out to be heard.

Spirit has a really great way of presenting things to us in a manner that allows for them to unfold organically if we allow for it. And so a situation arose for me that forced me to take a look below the surface of my reaction to an opportunity that had arisen for me. Thanks to a wonderful accountability partner who helped me to follow the clues back to their origin, I was able to understand some things on a very deep level. I was able to see how I’ve had a pattern of simultaneously feeling out of control while attempting to maintain or wrestle control with respect to the way I interact in the world.

The short of it is that I felt compelled to overachieve and compete and be the “best of” everything that I did growing up (and if I wasn’t really damn good at something, I just wouldn’t do it). And I remember all the way back to my childhood waking up with my fists clenched in tight balls. I walked away from the competitive lifestyle many years ago because it became too much for me: I was injured and in pain mentally, emotionally, and physically, and I knew that I just couldn’t do it anymore. It’s taken years to fully step away and I still notice old habits of thinking that pop up now and then, though I can usually step through them pretty quickly. I still hadn’t really felt the emotions that I needed to feel, though, going all the way back to my childhood.

Post-epiphany, I had really intense dreams and I woke up with my right fist tightly clenched. Immediately I set about taking some steps to surrender. I unclenched it and began to breathe. I journaled and I prayed and I turned it over to Spirit. I have a lot to dig through with this still. I can feel the discomfort even now now beginning to rise. But I am aware that being uncomfortable is a blessing. If I can just move through it, I can get to the other side where there is relief and a softening that feels really, really sublime.

Right now I’m working on being the best me that I can be and that is enough. I am enough, even and especially as-is, and I am empowering myself every day to be just a little stronger, wiser, and compassionate than I was the day before.

When we can become aware of what is beneath the surface and work with it in a kind and honorable manner, we are able to release not just our pain, but we are also able to create a stronger foundation of understanding upon which we can thrive.