I used to subscribe to the belief that there was a finite amount of everything and that I had to compete with others to get what I wanted. Oftentimes, for me, after years fraught with competitive misery and injury, that meant just dropping out of the race. If I didn’t think that I had a chance at winning, I just wouldn’t play. And so I started to take a back seat in my own life after years of trying to force my way to the front.
These two elements – strive to win or drop out of sight – were my modus operandi and they showed up in all areas of my life. I strove to get straight A’s because I had to be in school but after receiving a Master’s Degree (in a field that I enjoyed but didn’t really want to work in), I ducked out of sight so that I wouldn’t have to compete for a job or step out of my comfort zone into a situation in which I might potentially fail.
It showed up during my years of waiting tables – I had to have the most tables in order to make the most money, and while I never stole tables from my co-workers, I would stay late and push myself harder in order to come out ahead.
It appeared in my relationships in that I was always afraid that there was “x” amount of love and that if I made a mistake or said the wrong thing, I would chip away at what was there until I would eventually lose all of the love that there was.
It affected my beliefs around money because I worried that there was only a certain amount available to me and if I spent what I had then there wouldn’t be any left.
There was never enough because I never believed that I was enough. I didn’t believe in me and so I didn’t trust that I could be cared for, nurtured and loved by others and especially by Spirit (I spent most of my life fearing that everyone else would be taken care of but not me). I never felt deserving or worthy of love.
I remember when the shift began and for the first time I understood that this is a Universe (multi-verse) of infinite potential. I was doing tons of work at the time – my life was dedicated to my healing process as if it were life or death. And it was, not because I was suicidal, but because I couldn’t fathom another 40 or 50 years of numbness and emotional pain.
And so I found myself in my first somewhat normal relationship ever in that it didn’t involve the use of alcohol or drugs. What I didn’t realize was that he too believed that there was a finite amount of love available in the world and he worried constantly that he wasn’t getting enough. He was jealous of lovers past, worried that if I still felt anything for them, it meant I felt less for him. He was jealous of my son, believing that if I had to give 70% of the 100% of love available to my son, it wouldn’t leave enough for him.
I remember that exact conversation in which I fully got it, in which I understood so deeply that love is as expansive and open and infinite in potential as we allow it to be. I never felt like I had to manage my love output. I had an open source of love with my son, with him, with my family and friends. I could give everyone as much love as I wanted to! And if I could give everyone as much love as I wanted to, well, shit. Then I could receive as much love from everyone as I could.
From this shift in understanding, I was able to understand that the field is infinite in ALL potential. It was a slow-ish process at first. I got that there was enough for everyone intellectually but it was still hard to process within the realm of a world that continues to argue and fight wars over resources.
Because I had believed that there were a finite amount of opportunities and clients, I kept working in restaurants – the seemingly safe choice. There’s no shame in that work, but in my heart, I knew that I was still there only because I wasn’t connecting to my soul work. I had to get to that place of truly understanding that everything is ever-expanding and that the field of potential continues to grow in direct proportion to the amount of people that plug into it. Every client that Sue gets translates to more people stepping into the field. And now that I have done the work of knowing and trusting that I am more than enough and divinely supported, my people will find me (if I’m not hiding) just as Sue’s people will find her.
I also had to know deep down that I deserved to be happy and to have the job of my dreams and that I would be supported in it. This came from a sense of trust that most of the time I don’t know how things are going to happen or how they are going to work out. I keep my nose out of my own narrow-minded expectations these days and trust that I will be shown which steps to take. When I am successful with this, miracles happen. Magic unfolds. Life becomes easier and more fun.
The results: My business has grown, my opportunities have increased, I’ve connected with so many more people and I’ve experienced so much more simply because I took the lid off of my life. Today – and every day – I feel blessed. Even when things get hard, I feel blessed. And the truly magical piece of all this? The more I believe it and align with it, the more things open up for me, and as a result, for all those I support and love (and ever outwards in the field of infinite potential).