I want to make an amends. This is an amends that I’ve wanted to make for the past many years and I haven’t been able to locate the person. And then last night I was inspired to look again and this time Google took me in a different direction and within just a few minutes a familiar yet grayer face was looking back at me from the computer screen.
I’ve been thinking a lot about compassion lately and the mistakes that we make, sometimes over and over again before we finally get it right, before we finally have a shift in perspective that allows us to create a more positive impact in the world.
I’ve been trying to hold space for others to make the same mistakes that I’ve made or that others have made millions of times over since our soul bodies began inhabiting this particular species of life. Sometimes it is really hard. Sometimes I just don’t understand the who, how, what, why or where, and every once in a while, because of that, I want to cast a stone.
Every day I ask myself how I can hold my heart open even a little bit wider than the day before. I see how we are all just humans here having human experiences, which includes making a lot of mistakes and hurting, sometimes intentionally and sometimes inadvertently, others who cross our paths. It doesn’t make it right, but it is human. We all have different ideas of what is right anyway, and we are all creating a unique and individual path that is taking us to exactly where we need to be.
Until I knew better, I didn’t do better. And then sometimes, even when I did know better, I still didn’t do better. These days I’ve got a pretty good track record, though, and that is mostly because I made a decision several years ago to love myself more. Once that became a reality, after a lot of soul searching and deep healing, it became easier to love others and to hold space for them to be uniquely them. Sometimes holding space means listening to them, sometimes it is allowing them to make their own mistakes, at other times it is accepting them exactly as they are instead of thinking they should be how I would want them to be.
That last one can be hard. In my world, the one in which I inhabit the central space and the leading role, I’ve got a pretty clear idea of how it would all run a lot more smoothly if it all happened my way. Unhooking these preconceived notions has been both difficult and liberating. They still pop up, but when I can let them go and give the other person the space to have their own experience, there is an energetic exchange that takes place that feels clean and expansive rather than manipulative and constrictive.
And so as I contemplate this amends that I want to make, it takes me back to this place of appreciation for this person. Things didn’t end badly with him, but I have seen since I started my healing journey how some of my actions may have been hurtful to him. I want to acknowledge that and honor him and perhaps (hopefully) make it right because now I know better and because on an energetic level it clears some heaviness for all involved and as a result for the rest of you as well.
I doubt that I would ever act that way again. I start every day with an intention to be the best version of myself that I can be that day. But I will likely make other mistakes as I move forward and so the wider my heart is the bigger the circle of love and support I can cast and the greater the ripple effect for all will be. I want to hold space for you to be uniquely and exactly you, just as I would love for you to hold that same space for me. Then perhaps we can find our way through this thing together and with love.