On The Other Side of Healing
A lot has been going on in the Raftis-Hall household lately, mostly because Scott has been really, really busy with a lot of things that are pulling him in a myriad of directions. For one, he’s recording an album! And this has been so super exciting and fun, but also has kept him busy and wrapped up in a bunch of at-home and out-of-home studio projects. (It’s a metaphysical/spiritual rock album with a 70s feel to it. My favorite song so far is “Witchita Woman,” which is about a woman going through a spiritual awakening. She’s seeing UFOs and her boyfriend isn’t able to relate to her at all, until → .)During all of this, his youngest son got a new car that is a stick shift and so even before he has his license, they are spending a lot of time navigating the ins and outs of a manual transmission, which can bring up all the things! As someone who refuses to drive anything but a stick (I’m weird in this way), I know that it will pay off because it’s so so much fun, but I can also empathize with the experience of stalling, feeling frustrated, then stalling again, then feeling like you’re never going to be able to do it. On top of that, Scott’s had some family stuff going on that has been highly charged and very emotional. It’s been a challenging time for him in many ways.And did I mention that it’s still 2020? Then yesterday, I told him that I wanted to write an email but was feeling a little stuck around the possible topic and he immediately said, “I know what you should write about!”And he shared with me about how important it has been for him that I’ve remained so calm and steadfast and supportive during this time. He told me how valuable it was that he was able to lean on me and that I’ve been able to navigate strongly through the ups and downs and the “this and that and the other” of the last few weeks.It was beautiful to hear it and to be able to take it in, but what is even more important, I think, is the realization of just how much healing I’ve done over the years and how much I’ve changed as a result of it. When I began my healing journey, I was in a lot of pain. Something had to give. It was big picture and it was nebulous. I didn’t really know what it meant; I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to have sex again without leaving my body or crying.I wanted to not be worried about money all of the time.I wanted to not constantly feel like I didn’t know what to do or say.But I had no concept of what was on the other side of it. I had no idea what the details of healing meant – I’d never been in a (mostly) healed state. And this is the beauty of healing, through all of the unfoldings…It just keeps getting better. I can sit here and tell you that I navigated this all with relative ease and grace because my nervous system is regulated and didn’t get overly triggered and that sounds great and it’s important – SO important. But when it comes to living my day-to-day life, what that means is this: I was able to carry on. I was able to listen to Scott, support him and be tender towards him while still taking care of myself; the kids, plants and animals; paying bills; making dinner and going to the store; getting dental work done seamlessly (even though I’ve had loads of dental trauma!); holding client sessions with a clear mind and heart; studying astrology and hypnosis; walking; and overall just remaining grounded, centered and calm.There was very little flinching, no resentment, no feeling personally victimized by his circumstances. I didn’t feel like I needed to escape. I’ve been moving in this direction for years and over the last several have made huge strides. 2018 was such a challenging year for me and I handled it pretty well (with a few exceptions) – but it also prompted me to double down on my healing, and this last push over the past year and a half has brought me even more into my body. I’ve tapped into deep trauma and released a previously unreleased hill of anger and a mountain of grief.Scott and I talk about being the River when we need to flow and being the Tree when we need to be solid and grounded and strong. I texted this to him the other day when he was navigating something really challenging: Be the tree. And the river. At the same time.What I’ve realized through Scott’s observation of me is that I’ve learned to do just that.