Tag Archives for " Meggan Watterson "

Taming the Envy Beast

I was pondering what I would write when I came across this little gem by Meggan Watterson:


It resonated strongly with me, as does so much of her insight and wisdom, but I had the thought that I’d spent a lot of time on the topic lately and maybe I should broach another this week. And then in a session with one of my clients, I heard this affirmation: “I am worthy of fierce and passionate self-love.”

Ok, Spirit, I guess fierce self-love it is.

And so this has nudged me to look at where I’m still withholding love from myself.

I have gotten to this space of feeling really uncomfortable when I find myself feeling envious of others. It happens much less than it used to, but it still shows up at times, almost like a knee-jerk reaction. It feels old and stale and yet it’s there. To exacerbate matters, I dislike the feeling so much that I tend to judge myself for feeling it. This is not a great cycle to get caught up in.

Envy used to be a near constant companion. I always noticed who had what and how they looked and what they were buying. Competition was a way of life and it seemed that after college I was always on the losing team. I had a hard time sincerely celebrating the victories of my friends because I felt so marginalized and depleted. I felt highly victimized by my circumstances and so I remained for years in a state of powerlessness that reinforced the experience over and over again.

The major shift began to occur as a few things fell into place. One was that I began doing the work to find my way to truly and sincerely loving myself. Once I began to experience my own value, I began to see that reflected back to me in my life. This showed up in many different ways – sobriety, jobs that felt better, nicer living spaces, relationships that were uplifting, and now in an amazing healing practice that I adore. Little by little, I began to dig myself out of the hole of self-hatred.

And now I’ve arrived in a space of enough openness that I notice these little bites of envy very clearly when they pop up and they feel really dissonant and heavy to me. I can sense the density and constriction of them and I don’t like it.

So I’m tuning in and I’m asking: What do I need to be giving myself more of so that I can feel even more connected to others? And I find that the more I clear myself of the limiting beliefs and patterns of “not enough-ness”, the more I can feel complete connection and love to and for myself and others.

My life is really great now in a very deep and meaningful way. I have more prosperity in all areas and the constantly degrading worry of how I was going to pay my bills and make it through the month is a thing of the past. I have a richness in all areas of my life that I didn’t even know possible. And so when envy’s destructive little head rears itself, I’m the first to admit that it’s not something that I want tarnishing my day.

It’s my responsibility to keep on. Every time I feel it, I have to ask myself: What is really going on here? Where am I not serving myself? What is it within me that is asking to be healed? What aspect of me is looking to be loved?

If I can stay present and curious, I can find that love within me that is fierce and protective and that wants more than anything to thrive from an authentic expression of who I truly am. My higher self knows this and she wants me to kick-ass, so she likes to point out areas in which I need to grow and stretch and challenge myself. And these days, I’m grateful for it.

Resting In the Balance of Love

This week’s reflection was slow to come to the surface. It’s been percolating just below it since Tuesday, when I was given some insight during a meditation into the ways in which I  hold back from love. And then, as often is the case, the messages began to pop up all around, little placards on my board of life showing me how to continue to open just a little more to love’s complete embrace.

It has always been much easier for me to give love than to receive it, and I’ve been noticing lately where I’ve been holding back. It may be through a hug or a touch or through a subtle pulling away (even if just for a moment) when someone wants to get close. Regardless of how it presents itself, it’s me tensing to the love that another wishes to share with me.

I started to follow this thread for myself (I’m a big advocate of playing detective with ourselves) to see what could unfold for me. I saw a few patterns pop up and realized that I don’t want to be limited by those outdated reactions that may have had an important role to play in the past but that no longer serve me.

As I was deep in the process of mulling through all this,  Meggan Watterson (for more of her goodness, click here) posted this lovely quote:


And I started to think…Why does a “broken heart” have to be a bad thing? Isn’t a broken heart one that has actually been cracked wide open? What if I could nurture my heart that is showing me where I’ve felt pain in the past back into feeling the love that preceded the pain? What if I could fully understand that just because I’ve had painful experiences doesn’t mean that I should miss out on the opportunity to know love in a new and more expansive way?

I have a tendency to give until I’m depleted, something that I’ve been working on for years now. I’ve made a lot of progress through awareness and good energy hygiene. But could I allow myself to be fully nourished by the love of others as well? What if I could open myself up like a flower to the sun and just allow myself to soak it in? This love that I’m taking in could help to recharge me and revitalize me. It could lift me up, which is one of the things that love most likes to do and one of the reasons that I adore sharing my love with others! This is not taking at the expense of another; when the emotion is pure and two-sided (or more-sided) there is no imbalance. Instead, it serves to elevate and elate.

In my musings, I realized that this is precisely where the thin line between detachment and pulling back becomes apparent: When I pull back, even a tiny bit, I deny myself and the other person desirous of sharing love with me of a full and complete experience of the beautiful intensity of unbounded and unchecked love. If I can give myself fully to the experience and yet remain detached from any expectations of what that person’s actions may or may not be in the future or what that love should look like, then I can find a space of enjoying the affection without fearing its removal. The truth of the matter is that if someone else chooses to withdraw love, however that is expressed – whether with integrity or not – it is no reflection of who I am. I am still me, standing here and strong, just like I have been for 45 years now.

I believe with all of my being that we came here to experience love embodied, both divine and physical in nature and everything in between. I want to connect through the heart space at every turn imaginable and ask, truly, “What would love do?”

I love that the ancient Greeks identified many words for love. The love I feel for the woman at the bank (agape) will not be the same as the love that I feel for my partner (eros) or that which I feel for my son (storge). With a deeper understanding of what love is and a desire to fall more into it and then stay there, I can explore the many facets of it and feel enriched by them rather than threatened. With this in mind, perhaps the most important form of love then is philautia, the love of self, for when that is intact then truly all of the rest falls into place.

So perhaps then I can come back to: Where am I withholding love from myself? Not receiving love from another is to withhold it from myself. Love wouldn’t hold back love because it is scared of love. Love embraces love and trusts that we can take care of ourselves and that we can trust and know ourselves in the process. Love would have us remember that through love, all is love, and that just by mere virtue of being here, as individual embodiments of the Divine, we are all worthy of love in all of its expressions.

Really doing love, making it a true action verb, means to fully engage on both sides of the giving and receiving scale. I’ll leave you then with one of my most favorite quotes ever from Jen Pastiloff: “When I get to the end of my life, and I ask one final, ‘What have I done?’, let the answer be: I have done love.”

Telling the Heart

“I’ve become so intimate with fear/I am now the presence that exists at the end of it.”

— Meggan Watterson

Fear was like this three-headed monster that hung over me for most of my life. When I look back at my youth and my early (and even into mid-) adulthood, most of the memories that I do have (I’m missing many) feel heavy. As an empath, I felt everything and I had no language to understand it. I didn’t know that it was Mary’s anger, or the cashier’s pain, or my friend’s frustration that I was feeling, I just knew that I was feeling crushed by a need to take care of everyone and an overwhelming fear that I would never be able to do so and that I would somehow be hurt in the process.

The fear grew and grew until it encompassed just about every area of my life. I was a straight-A student afraid of failing, an all-star athlete afraid of not making a goal or hitting a handspring on the vault. When I discovered alcohol and drugs in high school, the pressure finally felt relieved. I felt like I could say, “Fuck it!” without caring as much what that really meant. I began hiding behind a wall while simultaneously building it higher and higher. I still performed well, but even that just became bricks and mortar for the sealing of my self-imposed limitations.

I was terrified of putting myself out into the world in a real way, of being vulnerable, of feeling more than I already felt. I was so, so scared to feel. It was too much and the thought of failing in anything that was a true expression of who I was felt too scary to even attempt. I stayed small, safe, hidden. I deflected, projected, and pushed.

I had many mini-turning points towards becoming courageous, beginning with sobriety. Committing to not drinking or drugging on a day-to-day basis was huge and it gave me a glimpse of a different possibility, one in which I could actually be awake in my own life. Lots of energy healing helped me to start peeling away the layers of self-deprecation that I had layered on over the years and gave me a glimpse of my potential. It also helped me to shift patterns around past trauma that were contributing to my fear.

After a workshop with Jennifer Pastiloff, I decided to do one thing every day that scared me regardless of whether that one thing was to open a piece of mail, accept a phone call, or tell someone I loved them. Every time I felt scared, I asked myself if I could do it anyway, despite the fear. Almost always the answer was yes. Sometimes I had to put a thing or two on a back burner and do something a little less frightening that day instead. And eventually – though honestly it was relatively very quickly – things just didn’t have the same hold over me anymore. What happened was that I built a faith muscle that showed me over and over again that no matter what came to pass, I was okay.

This shift in perception allowed me to move fully onto my path as a healer and coach, and it was what now allows me to help others to do the same. I have had to say “yes” over and over again. Sometimes it is still hard. Sometimes I need a friend or a colleague to see the fear in my eyes and remind me that I am ready and that I can do it before I can jump. And sometimes I take things really slowly because it just feels better to do so.

Originally, the meaning of the word courage was, “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” I love this. When I tell my heart, I feel good despite the fear that may have been there. And when I tell my heart by expressing the most authentic me that I can out in the world, my heart expands and fills with even more love that can be shared.

Finding our path and shifting onto it is an act of courage and perseverance. It asks us to open ourselves up fully and completely in a way that allows us to express our gifts in the world without fear of judgment or failure. It demands that we be vulnerable and trust.

I have found my edge. My comfort zone has space for discomfort now and is ever-widening. I am myself on the other side of fear – not without it, but not within it either. It no longer defines me and it no longer tells me what I can or cannot do. It has become a guidepost and when it pops up, I know that I have to step up. It’s not always easy, but it is always rewarding.

Why Yes, I Do!

I just returned from five days of bliss. They were at once some of the most challenging and most beautiful days of my life. I went up to the mountains with a dozen other beautiful goddess/priestess/fairy women on a retreat, and I dug really deep. Guided by Meggan Watterson, a gorgeous creature and true embodiment of love, we all delved into the deepest nooks and crannies of our beings to see what could be revealed. (I highly recommend checking out her book, Reveal. It is pure magic for the soul.) This retreat provided me with the vehicle I needed to finally, finally take my own hand and say “I do” to myself. I originally came up with the idea for this story a few months ago after reading a blog post by Kate Northrup entitled, “The Infinite Possibilities in Saying ‘I Do.’” (You can find that here.) When I read it, I was really struck by her statement that, “The time and energy we save when we are willing to make a clear decision sets us free,” and that, “The fact is we can only be where we are. And if where we are is mired in half-baked commitments and half-made decisions, we’re not only missing out on everything that’s going on around the universe, we’re also missing out on the only moment we can possibly experience anyway: right now.” She elaborates on the energy saved by knowing, truly knowing what it is that you want and committing to it.

When I read those words, I knew that I wanted that. She was referring to her upcoming wedding and the vows she was about to take with her now husband, but when I read those words I wanted them for myself. I realized fully and completely in that moment that until I could say those words to myself, I would never be able to truly find my way in this world.

Throughout the last several years, I have been courting myself, so to speak, and not always in the most healthy manner. It’s been better than in the past, for sure, and I’ve made some pretty big leaps. But I still didn’t own myself. Early this year, I came out of two relationships that blew up because I wasn’t fully in my power and committed to my own highest good. I had allowed others to make decisions for me and then stood back so that I wouldn’t get in the way. I sacrificed my true value and my deepest dreams because someone else thought it should look a different way, and I believed that their way would be better than mine. The truth of the matter is that their way is better than mine, but only for them.


As I branched out on my own, feeling more fully empowered than I ever had been before, I published an article about vaginas that placed considerable emphasis on my own. (What can I say? We’ve got a great relationship these days.) I felt back on track with what was important to me and the message that I have to take out into the world so that I may help others to heal as well.

This was an act of reclamation for me. I first wrote it two years earlier and my boyfriend at the time was terrified that I might publish it. And so I didn’t. As I emerged from the cocoon of these other two disempowered (for me) relationships, I kept glancing back at that article. It had never left me, and every once in a while I’d pull it up and give it a once over. It was outdated in a few places by this point but I really wanted to breathe new life into it. It finally came, and despite a fear that nearly paralyzed me, I sent it to elephant journal and they accepted it. As scary as it was, it was the most empowered action I had taken in years. The direct result of the publication of this article is that it put me in contact with Meggan. When I came across her book, Reveal: A Sacred Manual for Getting Spiritually Naked, I ordered it immediately – NO hesitation. I just knew that it was going to be delicious fodder for my soul.

In her book, Meggan discusses seven veils of initiation that we go through. The fourth is that of reclaiming our Divine worth, and she describes a process of awakening that she undergoes in which she understands that worth is not earned or proven – it is claimed. I loved this. I licked it off of my fingers and savored it in my mouth. I took it out and tried it on for size. I wore it with blue and green, with jeans and with skirts. I applied it with my mascara, and I took it out for walks. I was in the process of breaking it in. It felt good and I knew I loved it but there was a little something that wasn’t quite right with the way it fit, like an itchy tag or a piece of thread that pokes your side.

And now most recently, during the course of five love filled days in the woods with my fellow seamstresses and dream weavers, I got to really try this idea on and make the necessary alterations. With the help of this community of women led by Meggan, I was able to make the needed changes. I got to experience my worth through my own soul, through the actions of the Divine, and through the loving and tender expression of my sisters.

I was worried about coming home, about the birthing process of leaving that nurturing womb and coming back to my life. So many powerful shifts occurred for me, and I pulled out of the haven in the Catskills with a sense that it could all be lost if I didn’t fully commit to myself and live in alignment with that commitment. I had been given the how-to’s and now it is up to me to create the lasting change. Only I can do this. I remembered the idea for this article and it settled in me as I drove away. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I cannot lose the light that I’ve fought so hard to ignite. And that means that I have to say “I do” to myself. I have to continue to check in and act in accordance with the spark within me that has been calling so patiently yet persistently to me. I have to stop denying it, for to abnegate it is to betray myself over and over again. I must stop believing that my welfare is dependent upon anyone else in any way, and really embody the knowledge that I am my own deepest and powerful ladylove.

Through a lovely act of grace, I received a beautiful gift of integration. The anchor set and I feel rooted in it. As I was getting ready to get off of the plane, I received a text from a delightful man that I’ve recently spent a little time with. I’d been caught up in the habitual “I wonder ifs…” of this new connection as I sat there on the plane getting ready to embark on the next phase of my journey. As I pondered the questions, I realized that they didn’t feel so great. I felt the work that I had done, and I felt the light within me glowing. I reclaimed from deep within me the knowledge that how he feels about me in no way changes who I am. It is so obvious, and yet it had eluded me for years because I wasn’t comfortable with who I was; I always felt like I had to measure up to some invisible standard that was out of my reach. Because I couldn’t see it, I needed others to set the bar for me. I hadn’t claimed my Divine worth, and I had been living out of alignment with my true essence. In that moment, I knew that I had lifted that veil. I took Meggan’s words, “Worth is not given, it’s claimed,” and I draped them over me in beautiful, sexy, vibrant red silk, and then I claimed her affirmation fully, completely as my own: “I. Am. Worthy.”