Tag Archives for " speaking your truth "

16 On Being Self-Full

I used to really struggle when it came to putting myself first, though taking care of others came very naturally to me. If I sensed that someone needed something, I quickly prioritized it, putting it above my own needs. I gave and I gave and then I would give even more, often to the point of depleting myself.

As a strong empath, much of my life has been experienced through the feelings of others. Within seconds of being around someone, I know exactly what emotions are processing through them, from the surface layer and all the way down to the most hidden.

At my best, this gift allows for me to be really good at what I do.

At other times, it has created confusion, anxiety, depression, exhaustion and a host of physical ailments.

Society taught me as I grew up to give selflessly while my empathy pushed me to try to manage everyone else’s emotions so that they would feel better. Initially, before I knew how to handle “being sensitive,” I had to numb myself with alcohol and drugs. The world always felt like it was just “too much” for me to handle and so I had to check out in order to manage it.

Once I got sober, learning to care for myself became a fast necessity. Valuing myself as my first priority was one of the most challenging lessons I had to learn, and it’s one that I’ve been working with for years now. Turns out, boundaries and self-care aren’t a one-shot lesson; they roll themselves out over and over again and with each step further into self-love, we extract a new layer to learn from.

For the longest while, it didn’t feel natural to prioritize my own needs, but what I realized was that unless I figured it out and put myself at the top of my own list, I wasn’t going to be good for myself or anyone else.

Even today, my primary impulse is almost always to over give, whether it’s of my time, my space, my knowledge, my heart or my energy. I have had to learn a lot of awareness so that I can step back and assess what areas of my life are pulling a little too hard on me so that I can adjust accordingly. I’ve had to assert myself in ways that have felt uncomfortable and hard so that I can understand my surroundings and the people in my life and find a way to interact with them in the way that best values my wellbeing.

And I’ve had to learn that self-care is non-negotiable. I still catch myself trying to circumnavigate this one at times. I’ll put it off or stick it behind a lists of tasks that I think are more important ~ and I can promise you that when I do this, it never ends well.

But when I am full because I have been nourishing myself and taking care of my own needs, the energy that I extend towards others is much more vibrant and alive. It is full of my own love of self that gets to spill over from a full vessel into the lives of others. It is infused with love and life and respect and honor because that is the energy that created it.

When I am around others who are doing the same thing: What a treat! We get to share in this beautiful exchange of energy that uplifts us both. Our hearts get to meet one another in a space of being self-full and we both are able to experience a richness of connection that is authentic and loving. Truly the best gift I can give to others is the highest version of me and it’s the one that I would like to receive from them as well.

Self-love keeps the soul humming.

What is one thing you can do to nourish yourself today? I’d love to hear from you in the comments section below!

Self-love keeps the soul humming.

Stretching the Boundaries of Me

I’ve been writing a lot on communication lately, mostly because it is what is up for me in a big, big way. I’ve been working on my ability to share and trust and be vulnerable with others for years. Expressing myself through speech challenges me in so many ways that I always feel like I’m chasing after a different tail.

What I’m realizing though is that being vulnerable in this way is one of the things that I desire most in the world. I set intentions around it, I write about it, I talk to the few people that know me the most about it. I ask Spirit daily to show me how I can express myself more authentically through spoken word and how I can be even more genuine and true on a deep level in my communications with others.

And then, dammit, so much to my chagrin, Spirit answers my prayers, and it can be so, so hard.

My comfort zone is continuously being stretched. I had a huge breakthrough just a week ago, and then the zone was stretched again. Immediately! Just like that. I spoke up, I spoke out, I shared; I did it and then I still had to do more.

The truth is that I am doing it, and sometimes it is just plain difficult. It’s got me tongue-tied and twisted up and it’s interfering with my writing. I wrote a piece to share and realized that what I wrote was actually me avoiding sharing. It felt empty and hollow, like I was speaking from the inside of a shell and all the sounds were just bouncing around.

The only way out is through. This is almost always the truth with emotional release and pattern work. We can heal and we can face our demons and fears, but we can only face them by looking them square in the eyes.

This requires that I look at myself square in the eyes, and that can be hard. But I notice that I’m getting better and better at spotting my BS. The truth of the matter is that at some point a few years ago I got tired of myself and of all of my excuses and justifications for why I couldn’t do what I wanted to do. And I called uncle. I (mostly) surrendered and I committed to really moving through my fears.

The fear around being able to share my authentic self through spoken words is the most difficult. I actually might jump out of an airplane before I told you what is really going on in a conversation if I thought that I might lose or hurt you. I can talk all day through my fingers, but out loud…that is an entirely different story.

I know that I make the choice every day about how I express myself. And so despite the fear that is rushing down on me right now, I am searching for any words, regardless of how clumsy they might be, to say what I’m really feeling. I am just moving sound through me so that I can build that muscle, and allowing myself the space to work through this in my time. I have to remember that I asked for this, and I have to trust that my growth process is continuous and ever-expansive because I have chosen for it to be so. In the end, I am grateful that the words are coming to me and working their way through me, regardless of how clumsy they are. Pattern shifting is seldom easy when the patterns are so ingrained, but I’m up for it. Life is better every day that I take a step through a fear, even when it renders me with glassy eyes and wet cheeks. I have learned that the freedom and joy that I experience on the other side of it are always worth the work to get there.

The Words Within

I’ve been struggling lately with a piece of my puzzle. Throughout my life, speaking my truth has been one of my most challenging lessons. It’s always felt scary and unsafe, and it was exacerbated after being raped. The fear of my voice not being respected, of it being stifled and repressed and ignored by another, has followed me into my forties.

I’ve spent the last 10 years working to release it. I’ve done energy work, journaled my little heart out, written scary vulnerable stuff and had hard conversations even when I didn’t want to do so. I’ve held myself accountable and allowed myself to do so in a way that has felt safe while still moving forward.

This practice helped me out of a marriage that had ceased to support me and my ex-husband, it led me into publishing my words and it allowed me to leave a line of work that was unfulfilling so that I could pursue my dream of facilitating healing and growth in others. It has been nothing short of marvelous and miraculous.

A few years ago, in the midst of a huge personal growth spurt, I became very close to someone, and I trusted her completely. She pulled me in, she made me feel safe and she helped me to heal and grow; she encouraged me to use my voice even more.

And I did. I shared in a way that I had been inspired to share, but when I did, my honesty wasn’t appreciated; she didn’t like what I had to say. She pushed me away, and she did so in a way that was hurtful and cruel, and it triggered all of my fears.

I hunkered down and healed even more. I shared with friends, I did pattern release work, I looked at unresolved traumas. I actually expanded even more and ultimately the experience has helped me to feel stronger than ever. I am expressing myself in the world in a way I never knew possible for me.

And then I was triggered this week. I’ve been growing closer with someone that means a lot to me and I’m noticing that I have been really fearful of speaking up, of potentially upsetting any waters. I have become quiet and subdued when it comes to things I feel might be risky as far as our relationship is concerned. I don’t want to lose this connection.

Things reached a critical mass the other night, and I needed to speak my truth, to really share on an intimate and deep level, and I panicked. I was asked to do what I always advise others to do, what I spent years learning and cultivating and practicing, and I froze. I felt all of the words catch in my throat, I felt myself struggling to please, just speak already, while at the same time not even being able to feel myself. I was a deer in headlights, completely trauma triggered. I could hear the voice outside of me, letting me know that it was safe to share, that I was supported, that everything would be okay and yet: I couldn’t even form a sentence.

At some point, thankfully, the tears started to roll out of my eyes and down my cheeks and I felt released. I was able to mumble a few things, to at least express my inability to understand what was happening, to start the process of unfolding. I slept and throughout the night, I integrated everything. I slept late and woke up feeling clear and able to adjust myself ever so slightly. I began the process of sharing in a new way. There are still words that need to be said, but they no longer feel trapped within me. They are rolling around, finding form, looking for a way to express themselves more fully. The thought of doing so feels slightly scary, but more good to me than not, and my relationship with this person has already shifted in a very positive way.

The process of healing and expanding never ends once started and the more we ask to grow, the more we are given the opportunity to do so. The truth is that I don’t want to be shut down, and I want to be able to trust myself enough to know that when I speak my truth, the other person’s reaction is completely up to them and that it actually has nothing to do with me. If I am rejected for sharing from a space of vulnerability and the other person doesn’t respect that (regardless of whether he or she agrees or not) is entirely on them. All I can do is trust myself, feel strong in my core, and remember that if the emotions and words within me don’t find form to express themselves in the world, I will ultimately suffer. I don’t want to feel closed down and shut off. That version of me is better left in the past.

I love using tools that can help me move through things. Not only does lavender oil smell great and help you to relax, but it’s wonderful for helping you to speak your truth!